I’m now four months into my PhD at Stirling (you can read more about my research here). It has passed quickly and it has been a challenging and rewarding time.
For the first couple of months of my PhD, my mum was seriously ill in hospital. I tried to visit her every weekday – expect for the week I had covid – (for the first bloody time!). With rush hour travel sometimes adding an extra couple of hours on top of the two, or three, or sometime four or five hour visits, the days were always busy! My siblings, nephews and nieces and the grandchildren were all amazing too, visiting frequently and keeping Mum’s spirits up when she was low or afraid. As her condition worsened my siblings and I spent even longer with her, but ironically this gave me the opportunity to sit and work away on my research at her bedside. As she deteriorated Mum would sleep a lot so we were able to be by her side and hold her hand in the brief moments she was awake
While Mum was ill, time also had to be found to visit Dad at home, making sure he had company, shopping, clean bedding, etc etc. In an awful turn of events though, Dad became seriously ill too and ended up in a different hospital across the city from Mum. The family created a rota and we somehow managed to juggle it all. It was a really difficult position to be in though, actively visiting one sick parent instead of the other, not knowing if you were with the ‘right’ one.
Thankfully due to the amazing NHS, when we learned that Mum’s condition was critical, a bed was organised for Dad in the same ward as Mum. While this selfishly helped myself and my siblings in terms of managing visits, and being able to see both our parents in the same location, it was tough on Dad to see his wife and partner of over seventy years approach the end of her life.
Dad recovered and is home now, but sadly Mum died, three weeks to the day after she was given the last rites. It was two and half weeks before we were able to host her funeral. Alongside all this, I was in agony, waiting for hip replacement surgery, which finally happened in late December. I am undergoing the long road to recovery now, but getting stronger every day.
In the same period, I was still mourning the end of a career that had been my world (and my salary) for decades. However, perhaps on reflection, given everything else that was happening, this was for the best!
So why am I telling you all this? When I started my course I put some ambitious deadline dates in my diary. These dates were just for me, in the hope that I could get ahead with the work. The deadlines were around reading, analysing and summarising the existing literature, writing my literature review chapter and writing my methodology section. I don’t know quite how I did it but so far I have met and even surpassed these objectives. My literature review chapter, and my methodology section have been delivered to my supervisors for review and comment. It’s just the first draft of both but it is a good feeling to be in control (until the rewrites come my way!).
I guess I have a bit of a thing about being in control. As someone with a debilitating disability, that can completely floor me unexpectedly, I always try and do what I can today instead of putting it off until tomorrow. Tomorrow may well be a day where nothing is possible. And the day after that and so on…
Anyway, I’m not sure why I am sharing this, except to say that grief is overwhelming and illness is crippling too, but sometimes we can put our energy into things that can help carry us. I have no doubt that a crash will come, I just hope I’m prepared for it, and if not, so be it. I’m also self-funding which means I can’t hang about, I need to complete my research, to the best of my ability, in good time. By the way, no-one is making me do this PhD, I’m doing it because I really want to understand more about my documentaries and where they and I fit in this world. Collectively, ‘we’ must have had some sort of purpose, right? Made even a little impact, whether that be on myself, on the audience or the contributors? I know some of my films have won national awards but I want to probe deeper than that. As a storyteller and a writer it makes sense to me to understand how my own narratives work.
I’m really enjoying my course. It’s been over twenty years since I did any kind of academic study so there has had to be a lot of adjustment on my part. However, I’m learning so much from my supervisors, my fellow students, and all the online courses I’ve attended so far.
I’m attending a course next month called Project Managing Your PhD and I’m looking forward to it. My current state of Managing the shit out of it while carrying grief will only take me so far.
The next stage for me is think about how I’m going to manage the huge volume of data that will form the backbone of my research and get it into the best possible shape to analyse it and then write about it. Wish me luck!
My dad asked me the other day if that was me finished my second year of my PhD. Not quite Dad 😁, but judging by the way the last four months have flown in, it won’t feel like too long before I can say yes.
Meanwhile, life carries on around it all. We just have to deal with it as best as we can.
Margot McCuaig 